Author: Amy Bankoff

On June 7th, 2021, Professor Craig Smith interviewed me with only three questions :

1. What can you tell me that I don’t already know from reading about you?

2. What are my expectations of Law School?

3. What does Yoga have to do with Law?

The first two were relatively easy to answer though not very revelatory. Question #3 was where he wanted to dig in, though. This is the question I had been asking myself, too, because seriously, why would I choose to enter Law School at age 42 after more than two decades of being immersed in the world of Natural Healing Arts?

My succinct answer was:

Of the many definitions that Yoga is, the one I refer to most often is “Yoga is Relationship.” Yoga is our relationship to EVERYTHING: the trees, the fish, the mountains, the stars, each other, our selves and all the spaces in between.

Of the many definitions that Law is, the one I refer to is “Law is a set of rules (boundaries) decided (chosen) by a particular place or authority meant for the purpose of keeping the peace and security of society (safe spaces).

It is my intent to bring my appreciation of Yoga as “mutually empowering relationships” into the field of Law as a means of participating in the creation of boundaries chosen to protect safe spaces as defined by the majority of citizens.

I view the Law as Yoga on a collective level seeking to support, harmonize and facilitate the rights and needs of all living creatures.

It’s that simple.

And, I really believe I was born to do this.

Below, please read more about why I believe I was born to practice The Healing Art of Law in my Personal Letter to the Santa Barbara and Ventura Colleges of Law School :

“Technically, I’ve attended law school already.

I was born the day my Mother graduated from Indiana University School of Law in 1979, one of the only women in her class. Her professor said she took up the space of a man. Dare I say, I was born with a deep need for justice that I imagine my Mother feeling.

At age eight, my Father said, ”Why do you think Life will be fair to you? It’s not!” I was devastated. So, I wrote myself a certificate saying, “This Certifies Amy Bankoff’s Life Will Be Fair.” I signed it by our Arizona State Governor Rose Moffard.

My Mother reminded me of this recently because the world can still seem anything but fair. I feel that goodness always prevails, even if we lose sometimes. Real winning is a long-view perspective only a few are courageous enough to seek. My need for justice and fairness burns in me. This is why I am applying to the College of Law.

I know believing in justice and working to achieve it are different. Many of my family and friends are lifelong activists, philanthropists, teachers and volunteers. I feel my time to speak up and do more has come.

I watched my Mother begin a family law practice when I was young to help in divorces that were difficult and harmful for children. She then worked for the State of Arizona’s Child Protective Services, and was called back from retirement as a judge for the Department of Economic Security to help during the pandemic.

My parents are the most amazing humans I know. What my Mother’s law degree has assisted me with during my life continues to make the most significant contribution. Her expertise in crucial, subtle areas of law has shaped our lives significantly.

As a teenager, I rejected my parents, a doctor and lawyer. After graduating from Arizona State University’s Walter Cronkite School of Journalism in 2001, I moved to New Zealand.

At 22 years old, I obtained permanent residency by acquiring a job offer at a Public Relations firm in Auckland, and birthed my two children in 2005 and 2007 at our home in Glenbervie, New Zealand. In 2012, I returned with my children to the United States.

I’ve always been hard-working, organized, and motivated to win. My decision to ensure my life was dedicated to being of service to others was anchored in 1998, after a near death experience. I was eighteen.

Here are some of my major life events:

~ From 14-21 years-old, I was a top-ranked professional equestrian travelling nationally up to 48 weeks per year for competitive show-jumping, winning the $10,000 Gran Prix of Scottsdale in 1997.

~ At 22 years-old, I began the Northland Longboard Classic, a surf competition that continues today on the national New Zealand circuit.

~ At 25, I became Mother to my son, and opened The Revolution Centre, a natural health clinic that served more than 5000 people in the Northlamd, New Zealand community for five years.

~ At 27, I became Mother to my daughter.

~ At 32, I became an international Yoga Teacher Trainer, and global project manager of Heart of Yoga’s media and Fiji Retreat Center.

~ At 34, I became a Wellness Advocate for Doterra and the Project Manager of Urban Family Foundation, a non-profit organization dedicated to providing yoga education and support to underserved communities.

~ At 37, I created the Fiji Spirit Gathering to implement regenerative farming practices and healthcare education for the people of Taveuni, Fiji. I created Urban Family’s Online Teacher Training program and a partnership with the Black Yoga Teachers Alliance to bring the program Yoga As A Peace Practice into black communities.

~ At 38, I founded Love 2B Here, a collective of global teachers and activists dedicated to providing scientifically proven therapeutic practices.

~ At 39, I began volunteering at Santa Barbara’s Mental Wellness Center.

My decision to enter law school at 42 years-old feels purposeful because I have energy that deserves to be channeled by serving on a greater level.

I want to pursue advocacy in environmental, women’s, gender, LGBTQ, family, and healthcare law, specifically to build mental health crisis and residential facilities for adolescents in Santa Barbara county. I believe this must be done, and these areas overlap in significant ways. I want to help protect natural, open spaces, re-allocate community resources, and raise non-profit funds to create community centers for our youth in Santa Barbara county where my two children and I have lived since 2016.

As a yoga practitioner since 1999, I’ve developed many personal tools to ease conflicts in my personal and professional life. There is a definition of yoga that says “Yoga is to move with continuity in your chosen direction.” I realize very deeply now that conflict exists on many levels in many ways. I feel my time in yoga and natural healthcare practices is not enough anymore. In my heart, the conflicts I have been presented with in my life demand a greater response. I choose the direction of law because I believe it will fuel my life’s journey, my purpose, and my powers to be of service, in action. This is my yoga.

Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu is a Sanskrit mantra which means: “May all beings everywhere be happy and free, and may the thoughts, words, and actions of my own life contribute in some way to that happiness and freedom for all.”

I believe the pursuit of law is my yogic path. I believe our current situation demands actions that have not been taken yet. Yoga teaches that each person has unique gifts only they possess. Siddhis, spontaneous powers, are known to arise. I believe the way each of us wields our powers creates our karma, our destiny, and by attending Santa Barbara’s College of Law I will develop the wisdom I seek to serve justice and fairness for all.

I really was born for this.

~ Amy Bankoff”

“Surrender is the greatest act a human being can do.” – Krishnamacharya

I’ve repeated that quote for many years, adding, “What we surrender to does not matter. It could be to the floorboards beneath us.

It is the act of giving over. The art of letting go. The practice of feeling each cell relax and release. It is about trust, feeling supported and noticing how the more we let go…the more we feel this simultaneous paradox.”

So why am I obsessed with this song that is all about NOT surrendering? :

I’m obsessed with this song because it’s time for me to not surrender my voice in speaking my truth.

I’m stayed silent too long.

I know the importance of speaking one’s truth to end cycles of pain and abuse for our children.

And for me, it’s time to talk about sexual abuse. Together. Acknowledging the pain we’ve caused doesn’t’t mean one of us wins.

We’ve all suffered in this.

It’s time to sit down, dig deep, listen carefully, and receive each other’s voices. From telling our stories, we empower our experiences. We rise from our ashes by burning the past pain.

The past may feel gone. Like we are not those people anymore. Yet if we haven’t learned from it and evolved….doesn’t it repeat itself over and over again?

Isn’t it enough,, already?

It is for me.

I have been sexually assaulted by at least five men: the Hippie, the Frat Boy, 2 different “music producers,” and also by a long-time partner…that’s the one that is the most tricky because there is the most “grey area.”

None of these incidents were ever reported. I stayed silent. Felt ashamed. Moved on. Blaming myself for allowing to be in those situations.

I’ve come to peace with owning my parts in these experiences. I can see my behavior as acting out my own cycles of pain. So, I don’t raise any of this to harm these men for things they’ve done to me in the past. Because it really is the past for me now and I don’t need to cause them harm in return. I actually want their peace and happiness because that is the evolution…isn’t it?

So, I say this to raise the conversation around cycles of abuse, and most importantly, to encourage us to notice the patterns.

History has repeated itself enough. Hasn’t it?

These assaults were all done to me when:

• I was unconscious or sleeping.
• we were all intoxicated.
• I had been flirtatious, or in a long-term relationship.

Who is to blame? All of us, I think.

Do we end party culture? No .

Can men and women develop different ways of interacting, though? Absolutely.

Can we establish mutual understanding around sexual respect and appreciation? We must!

How do we do this? A lot of ways, I imagine.

I believe we can start by doing these two things:

• 1. Take responsibility for what is true for our personal self. Inquire within. What is the bigger pattern in our own life.
• 2. Share what we realize about ourself, acknowledge our truth with a desire to evolve our mutual understanding of each other AND the greater context of the society of which we are a part.

Can we do that?

I really, really hope so.

…I just keep singing that song!

I’ve decided.

The word decide means “to cut off, to make a choice from a number of alternatives, or to come to a resolution in the mind as a result of consideration.”

I’ll be honest.  For all of my adult life, I’ve explored my sexuality in ways that have not always been the smartest. Ultimately, I ended up making this decision.  

So, let’s talk about sex, relationships, yoga…and what I’ve decided!

To begin, let’s consider Yoga Sutra 1.2: Yogas-citta-vrtti-nirodhah

The interpretation of this that I was taught is “ Yoga is to direct consciousness via the mind in your chosen direction.”

So what does that mean in terms of sex?

At 40 years old, I have been everything from sexually naive, curious, abused, shamed, widowed, divorced, dated long-distance long-term and short-term, monogamously and non-monogamously, co-parented, dated online, casually hooked up…I could go on, but I won’t. The point isn’t to talk about the individual relationships I’ve experienced.

I’ve had enough exploration at this point to know one thing…

I believe in the power of monogamy.  

Maybe not lifetime monogamy, but the longer term the better, as long as it is a mutually empowering relationship. 

What does yoga have to do with monogamy?

Being a single mother of two teenage children and weaving together five different jobs, one thing is crystal clear…my personal yoga practice has been my saving grace. This was not the life I imagined, but it is what I am grateful to live!

My yoga practice has allowed me to deal with the emotional roller-coaster my life has been. It has been pivotal in managing my auto-immune condition. It has given me space to non-judgmentally feel everything and let it all be okay.

It has let me process life’s deepest traumas without the continual anguish of existential questions like…Who am I? Why did this or that happen? What do I do now? What’s my purpose?…and instead, participate in whatever is active in my life at that moment.

My yoga practice allows everything to be alchemized, not scrutinized. Loved and accepted, not hidden or ashamed.

I’m grateful I learned to breathe so that my breath simply moves my body in ways that make me feel better.  

I am like a cat. Stretching, flexing, purrrrring.  I’m not trying to be any particular way. I’m just alive. My breath rhythmically enters and exits, allowing movement and stillness to take me into places that help me feel better. 

It’s not a choreographed dance that I must “perfectly” accomplish. I simply feel my inhale and exhale as a whole-body prayer, honoring everything I am, all I’ve come from and all I hope for, in every cell. 

I surrender to the Great Mystery that I am a part.

I digest, process and release the doubt and pain, simultaneously receiving the newness and potential of each moment, each new breath.  

Then, I do it all again. 

And again. 

And again. 

Given time, I always feel better. 

The usual family life of everyday happenings continues, and most days can bring some degree of dis-ease. So again, I practice my yoga. Nearly every day – actually, naturally, non-obsessively – just giving myself time and space to be.

I have practiced like this for more than eleven years with the support of wise friends who have listened patiently as I’ve learned how to manage my intensity.

I realized a long time ago that no one was or is ever going to be able to help me more than I can help myself.  That’s just the truth. 

For all of us.

That also means the only way to deal with life’s pain, the full emotional spectrum, all the responsibilities, the stress, the unforeseen and unpredictable, is to feel it all. 

In feeling it all, something miraculous happens with each inhale and exhale.  The process of transformation – the process of death, life, birth – happens. In that, we humans tend to suffer and need to grieve.

Healthy grieving tends to involve denial, anger, sadness, acceptance, forgiveness and compassion. Moving through this process is healthy, but not very easy sometimes.

It can’t be forced. It can’t be expected. It can’t be demanded.  It has to be allowed to come in its own time.  

I’m assured through my own experiences, it always comes. Even if it’s just momentarily. I always, eventually, feel better.

At the center of my yoga is the deep acknowledgement that these two opposites of inhale and exhale merging at my heart, my hrid, produce a powerful third energy.  The manifestation of this is literally this process of healing and what creates life. 

We each have this in us. We are each miracles by our sheer existence!

Each of us is this union of opposites came together and POOF… a new life, my life and your life, developed from that spark!

The practice of yoga acknowledges our consciousness and ability to fully participate in our miraculous being, allowing us to embrace our power and focus our energy on whichever ways we want to direct our sparks. 

So, I’ve been honoring my hrid, developing sensitivity to the place where I feel this unification in my body. Every day practicing strength that is receptive. Yet I continued to choose partners who didn’t agree with this perspective!

Even if they were okay with monogamy, the co-dependent, under-developed relationship of mutuality AS strength and receptivity didn’t exist. Perhaps it couldn’t. There wasn’t a ground for communication that supported this. And that’s the dance we are all doing in trying to figure out sex and relationships.

For me, though, too often the focus on the outer union of opposites – sex – was on merging with more than one . 

Do you see the incompatibility?

The desire for more than one is the desire for some level of “open relationship.” This looks differently for every couple considering and navigating this desire. To be clear, in my experience polyamory is defined as having more than one that you love.  So a “poly” person is focused on much more serious, long-term sexual partners that are actively engaged in a deeper level of relationship than those of the casual sex vibe that I’ve seen in more “open relationship” statuses. The range of relationships style varies, obviously, based on all the individuals involved.

Why do I care?

One definition of yoga is “to merge with your chosen object.”

The object that one chooses to focus on, and therefore merge with, is entirely up to each individual.  There is an inherent, unifying truth that each individual is the product of two beings (man and woman) that came together. Therefore, each human is the living embodiment of two opposites in union. (This includes all genders and sexual relationships regardless of how we identify or who we are attracted to.)

The point is, without this union of opposites, my inhale and exhale, I cease to exist.

That’s a pretty big deal to me.

My inhale and exhale ARE opposites because the inhale always comes from above, the exhale always comes from below. They merge at the center, the Hrid or Source Heart, in the anatomical flow and function of our living bodies.  In the place where they merge rests a peaceful power, my intuition, the seat of my mind, and much more.

So when I do my yoga, I experience this mutual empowerment of opposites that coalesces, fuels, regenerates and vibrates in relationship to all. 

Because my daily practice honors this power of two (as my inhale/exhale, above/below, left/right, etc.), yet my sexual partners were focused on merging with more, there was a fundamental incongruity with what I was choosing to focus on in my personal life and what I was trying to cultivate in my primary relationship with another.

Every time this has happened, I have experienced extreme suffering.

Ultimately, I could not deny that the experiences of my truth within and with-out were inharmonious.

AND, I emphasize this:

THIS IS ONLY MY TRUTH AT THIS TIME!

I am not here to proselyte or recruit followers. I trust that there are many other types of beings that exist in different forms, functions and capabilities, all evolving and changing. I honor you all and sincerely say more power to you!  

All I am describing here is my own experience of life, sex and relationship as the result of my experimentation in living life thus far. That’s all.

I know I have my own trauma. It certainly has informed my perspective. I am sure I can learn from what others choose to focus on and create in their lives.  I have simply learned to honor what my capacity is right now.

I acknowledge that even my own beliefs and desires may change over the course of my life.

I respect all.

This desire for inner and outer harmonious relationship has been my focus for a long time.

The majority of my past relationships have been wonderful, and because I learned from them what feels good to me and what I want, I now have certain clarity.

I bow down to the wisdom within each of you to make your own best choices for your own heart and health. You have my blessings, and I hope you have whatever support you need.

I have read many of the scientific arguments for open relationships and I get them. I also know some people who seem to successfully navigate them. They are totally logical and they can make a lot of sense considering the age we live in.

Awesome! That’s truly wonderful.

I’m not here to debate choices in an attempt to make some “right” or others “wrong.”

I’m convinced that whatever feels best to you IS your yoga.  So, I hope you honor yourself as the miraculous, completely perfect creature you are and let your breath and body’s pleasure and pain mechanisms inform your choices. 

For me, the question of whether or not to have an open relationship right now is punctuated.  It’s done.

I am tired of the fancy sex desires I found in non-monogamous relationships.

For me, they’ve resulted in an endless search for stimuli, as if my relationship was going to get better because of the next new thing (threesomes, elaborate toys, endless fantasies, constant explorations); all things that were extraneous to my being intimate with my own reality and in actual relationship with my chosen partner just as he is. 

The mental, emotional and physical stimulation that many are addicted to is found not just in abusing our bodies with food, alcohol, drugs, extreme exercise, overworking or any number of self-soothing mechanisms we indulge. It is most pervasive in our unending longing, our seeking for pleasure in an “other” because we aren’t appreciating the subtleties we already possess.

I think we probably all do it in our own ways.

The constant search for anything more interesting, stimulating, captivating, engaging, passionate, exciting, intoxicating, soothing, ultimately never provides the deep abiding pleasures like those that lie within, especially when one’s personal strength and sensitivity are engaged, repeatedly, by an equal and opposite partner. 

The other issue with this attitude of searching is that it tends to scatter our energy and distribute our attention. These precious resources are finite. We can only do so much.

What happens when we go deeply in one direction, and give one thing our full attention?

In my experience, it is profound.  

Instead of feeling like we are always on the lookout, unsure, unclear, messy, empty, reckless, unsatisfied, like something is missing or we are wasting our time, we find our purpose. Without struggling, our whole systems relax. Clarity. Ease. Lightness.

We find a rewarding simplicity in knowing our personal pleasure as an extremely intelligent power, one we can trust. So we build this, and our gifts come forward.

Naturally, in their own sweet time, our magic is revealed.

This does not translate into a fancy personal yoga practice that seeks for anything. There are no tricks.

Generally, I do a handful of postures for 10-60 minutes (depending on the day) where I let myself participate in my breath, body and relationships to all… and for eleven years, I’ve done basically the same thing.

There’s nothing fancy about any aspect of my yoga practice.

I’m not craving new sequences or believing that if only I can wrap my leg behind my head, I’ll finally be “good enough.” I’m not searching to achieve anything in my yoga practice. I’m just allowing, surrendering and resting in the medicine of my mat.

Resting. Trusting the miracle of life I am. 

Any imposition or desire to attain anything or get anywhere is gone.

My only focus is to listen to my breath. It is my guru.  This is how I’ve learned to help myself. 

Self-help, on it. 

Self-centered, yes please.

In a real yoga practice, we literally create strength in our base/foundation with each exhale. In this strength, the exhale always gives over to the inhale. When we finally inhale, we receive our life force, our prana, and can feel the fullness of possibilities we contain. Then, without fail as long as we continue to breathe, the inhale gives over to the exhale, releasing that which no longer serves us.

Together, this cycle of giving and receiving, in service to each other and the whole is the mutual empowerment of Life.

There is also stillness.

Stillness in the pauses between the inhale and exhale. 

The stillness is significant because it enhances the qualities it proceeds.

Beautifully, paradoxically, we can notice total oneness as the total absorption of individuation intersections and overlaps.

Completely, equally, rhythmically, geometrically; so that each one wholly contains the other. It IS the other. You and your object are one.

Within us then is this reciprocal relationship known as one’s breath, heart, body, mind, and all relationships.  When we have this for ourselves, we can be with each other in robust relatedness, particularly with our chosen partner. This naturally extends then into our communities as real friendship from one to another. Real caring.

This can be healing of trauma and abusive cycles, something that is mostly inescapable in modern society.

At the core of this then is acknowledging that the power that is within our inner union of opposites IS the same power that exists when we focus on the outer union of opposites.

When sex is appreciated as this merge of two, something is born.

This new life (not necessarily a new child) can be created, seeded and nurtured just like all living things. In this relationship, we can develop ourselves and go deeper in the endless flow of giving and receiving that is our Hearts.

As we continue to focus on our chosen direction/partner and move with continuity towards it, the bond between the two gets stronger and more potentialities for what’s possible together become tangible. 

This union of two can only be outwardly supportive, as long as it is independently strong as well. When each individual is encouraged to form other close relationships outside the dyad…they all serve the partnership.

There are many ways to grow connection. They are all important.

For me, sexual connection with one is my practice of “un-fancy” yoga as “un-fancy” sex. 

Every moment I can choose what I want to focus on. I want to feel the synchronicity and alignment of what I believe is possible in the outer union of two to match my experience of my inner union of two. 

That’s all.

It’s just a decision, a choice, a way to focus my that feels powerful and peaceful and supports all the other parts of my life that are important to me. 

I choose to continue to create this peaceful power in myself because I know I show up for my family, friends and community more helpfully when this is my choice. I am no longer ashamed for wanting this or believe that I’m not good enough for needing to “be more” of anything to please anyone else. I have nothing to prove or defend in trying to be “more spiritual.”

I know the the radical experience of my entire life as the power of two polarities in union . Why would I not acknowledge that same power in my choice of how to give my body and direct my energy in my outer/sexual experience? 

Choice made. 

Decision done. 

Monogamy is my yoga.

TRIPURA SUNDARI YANTRA by Melissa Forbes

Atha yoga anushasanam

Auspiciously, now, yoga begins.

—Yoga Sutra 1.1

 

To Begin:

This is written with respect, love and friendship to my Teacher Mark Whitwell, my Guru – in the deepest sense of the word: a weighty, serious (not humorless!), relationship.

 

– – – – –

 

I have been blessed to have a few gurus in my life.  

 

February 2, 2004, was an auspicious day on the northeastern coastline of New Zealand, where on a 250-acre private property named Oruaya Bay, I met my Mark Whitwell. And I also met Wayne Buss.

 

I want to tell you the story of how the three of us met because ever since that meeting on that fateful day, my life audaciously transformed.  I continue to be supported by those two great men and all of the fruits of our relationships, personal and professional in profound ways.  It is through both of them that I have found myself at 38 years old with two blessed children, a fabulous partner, living in my own home in Santa Barbara, CA, linked with the best communities (locally and globally) I’ve ever known, and sending my children to the best school I’ve ever known.  I cherish the fact that I get to be present in my children’s young lives as they learn about the world, and it is my greatest gift to love them, encourage them and hope for a loving, peaceful, bright future for everyOne. I hope that my work is true to the yoga that Sri T. Krishnamacharya, U.G. Krishnamurti and Mark have brought forth.

 

In this spirit, I dedicate this blog to continuing friendships, everywhere, with everyone. I believe in miracles, the human spirit, and I love to be here, with you.

 

– – – – –

 

And now the story of my Gurus Mark and Wayne.

 

When I was 22, I ended up in New Zealand.  (How I got there is a great story for another time!) I was supposed to be working my way around the world, and this was the first stop. I’ll never forget coming around the narrow, backward road to see the Ngunguru Estuary at dawn.  Mist covered the blue-obsidian, mirror-like water as the golden rays of sunshine began to beam through the clouds. The sandspit. The oystercatchers. The grand pohutakawas’ arms hugging the river banks.

 

The only way I’ve ever been able to describe it is this – I was overwhelmed with a feeling of being home.

 

So I stayed. There were travelers like me from all over the world that I quickly lived, worked and surfed with…all day, every day.  We all became rather close 🙂 I loved the community so much, I lept at the opportunity to help organize a surfing competition and became even more involved with the locals’ lives in the first few months of my arrival. I also had a miraculous encounter that led to my being able to obtain Permanent Residency in NZ.

 

I also began to dive deeper into my studies of yoga under the tutelage of Agnes Hartley, the legendary crone who co-created the Integral Yoga Academy of Australasia. Through her, I became introduced to the World Oasis team – four local women (Alison, Lynne, Robin, Lucia) who had a vision of building a retreat center on the Tutukaka Coast.  They knew about an American man who held a similar vision and had the property and means to make this a reality.

 

That man was Wayne.

 

On February 2, 2004, the World Oasis team invited me to Wayne’s property, known as Oruaea Bay. He spelled it Oruaya because, he said, then people could pronounce it.  To get to the property, I first had to drive past the famous surf spot, Sandy Bay, up the hill to the Whananaki Coastline Trailhead.  At the gate, where it says No Trespassing, I got to drive through.  All the way to where the trail ends, at Oruaya Bay. That road is pure heaven. Imagine passing seven tiny bays as you curve in and out along the coastline, cattle grazing the terraced, steep slopes, old groves of ancient forest popping out to create tunnels and havens for the animals, and the turquoise blue water finding its rhythm along the rugged rocks and tranquil beaches.

 

Driving down the last hill into the valley, I could see all of the women setting up their tents, with many young children running around gathering their swim gear to take to the beach.  I quickly parked, found a place to park my car (I was car camping; a luxury of not having children!) and then began the stroll to the beach. The dirt path twisted and turned alongside the narrow creek.  Hidden valleys immersed on both sides, and deep within I could see huge Totara and Rimu trees, hundreds of years old. The alluvial fingers of the creek meeting the sandy beach emerged, and I could hear laughter and shrieks of delight.

 

Then I saw Wayne, body-surfing with the boys and girls, just like a big kid himself.  He was adorable. And kind. And I knew he was a good man from that very first moment.

 

That evening, as the adults were making dinner and the children were playing games in the tall grassy hills, a rusty, old, beat up jalopy slowly rambled down the road towards our camp.  When it parked and the dust settled, the door opened and two legs with skinny red jeans stood up to produce a Gandolf-like figure wearing a white t-shirt, a black jacket and a grey beanie, his long, grey wavy hair elegant and messy simultaneously.

 

That man was Mark.

 

Mark introduced himself.  He’d been invited by Alison.  She was a student of his and believed he’d appreciate meeting Wayne and learning about their vision to create a retreat center. I said hello and smiled.  He smiled back.

 

Dinner was ready then. Before we ate, though, Mark said prayers to the land and people in Maori.  It was beautiful, guttural and sweet altogether.

 

After dinner, we all sat by the fire and shared stories.  Before going to bed, Wayne asked me if I wanted to see something special.  I followed him through the tall grass, into the bush, up the hill, to the top of the peninsula and then out to the edge of the cliff.  Here, on Seagull Song Point (he named all of the places on his land) we sat shoulder to shoulder, our feet dangling over the edge 100 feet above the ocean crashing on the boulders below, surrounded by water a full 270 degrees, and the full moon rising above the Poor Knights Islands miles off in the distance. We sat t(here) for hours, talking about our greatest hopes and dreams, our fears and regrets, the beliefs we held most sacred and what we most-longed for in our souls.

 

We knew we’d found something special in each other. We didn’t think it was a coincidence that two Americans transplanted themselves on this tiny coastline in the middle of the South Pacific with the same visions and aspirations. I had no idea how significant our love would be, though.

 

Two days later, my parents came to visit for the first time.  As I took them out to the Coast, we drove past Wayne’s other home in Glenbervie.  I had to return something, so I thought we’d pop in really quickly.  As we drove down the walnut, macadamia and avocado-lined driveway, I said to my parents, “I don’t know why, but I feel that this man is going to play a very important role in my life.” Moments later, they all shook hands and said pleasantries.  We took a quick tour of his home, my parents took a picture of us, and then we were off.

 

Three months later, Wayne called me.  He had just returned from being in the USA, and he had made the decision to live in NZ permanently. He wanted to get together.  And we did.

 

We fell in love very quickly, and within a month I had moved in. I’d never known anyone as brilliant, loving, generous, capable and all-around phenomenal in my entire life.  A couple of months later, he asked me to marry him. I didn’t hesitate.

 

In discussing our wedding, we knew we wanted Mark to be our celebrant.  There was just something about Mark that we loved. Wayne contacted him and they began to make plans.  I spoke with Mark briefly over the next few months, but I wasn’t able to tell him, or anyone about what was starting to happen with Wayne.

 

After our engagement, he began to have days where he was first incredibly dark, then more and more deeply depressed, and finally suicidal.  I did not understand what was happening.  I did not know that he had a pattern of manic-depression.  I did not know that he had battled with this for more than half of his life. I didn’t know much.

 

I loved him with all my being, and in the end, he took his own life on December 2, 2004 – exactly ten months after we first met.

 

My mother immediately flew out to be with me, and I was grateful for my “kiwi family,” Denis and Marilyn Eltringham. I called Mark and told him the news.  He was devastated, too; it was like losing a soul brother.

 

As the grief process began, I started to feel physically unwell so I went to see my doctor. Lo and behold, the doctor told me I was pregnant! It was the day before Wayne’s funeral.  

 

During this time, the range of emotions I experienced was intense, as you can imagine. I’ll go into more details of that time later, though.  For this story, what matters is this: Life carries on.

 

I gave birth to my son and named him William, it was his father’s middle name. I also went on to meet another man and have my daughter, Elizabella, with him.  

 

About five years after Wayne’s death, my contact with Mark and the World Oasis team had become minimal.  I had neglected my own yoga practice, and the dreams I had once held with Wayne had been damaged, rectified, destroyed and reinvented so many times that I was exhausted.  I also had two little kids and was managing a natural health clinic with over 30 practitioners that my husband and I had created.

 

It was when a nurse told me over the phone in a mechanic’s garage that I might have cervical cancer, that I knew I had to make some changes.  I decided to return to my yoga studies and dove into preparing for a two-week intensive course in Australia.  After completing the required reading early, I remembered that I had fifty copies of Mark’s book in my garage – unopened gifts to wedding guests that Wayne had purchased.

 

I got the dusty, cardboard boxes down from the garage’s top shelf, and sat at my kitchen table. It was late at night and the fire was crackling when I opened Yoga of Heart: The Healing Power of Intimate Connection to a page that said, “A guru is no more than a friend, no less than a friend.”

 

Of course. Mark was my guru.

 

Thus began my re-connection with Mark and my introduction to learning my yoga. In 2010, I went to Fiji for a two-week training with Mark that solidified my yoga, my heart’s direction, as my practice.  During this time, I also experienced the deepest healing of my grief and began this last period of my life that has been dedicated to helping Mark teach yoga to as many people around the world as possible.

 

Now it is my time to teach.  First, I practice myself.  Second, I have a good relationship with my Teacher. Third, I care about you.

 

– – – – – –

 

I’m eternally grateful for Mark and his teachers, Sri. T Krishnamacharya, TKV Desikachar, and U.G. Krishnamurti. And to Wayne, my love and gratitude are endless – you made me a Mother.